I Am Kintsugi

photo credit Jonny Lew, Unsplash

I am Victoria Falls

Nothing stops my flow

No man can ever keep me

From getting where I need to go

I was raised in the Mojave Desert

In low-income housing

Got my first full-time job

At Mcdonald’s, age 15

Fell in love with the line cook

Working with me

He didn’t speak English, but I quickly

Learned to speak Spanish fluently

Four years later, I am the one who miscarried.

We hadn’t even known I was pregnant

His family said it was punishment from God

From cohabiting before we were married

But I know that that’s not true

It’s just the course of nature

I don’t feel guilty

I am not the tormenting pain that followed

But I am the one who tried to escape this life

The Universe decided that it wasn’t my time

So I am the one who got back up

And faced the world again

I am a perennial succulent

Blooming year after year

Even when I look wilted

I’m still coming back to life

I’m the young woman who got into the UC

When it felt like the world still believed in me….

But I’m also the one who dropped out

And yes, I picked up an associate’s in the humanities

I always forget but, I think it’s in social studies?

I still feel incomplete without my bachelor’s degree

Which I’ve wanted since I was four years old.

I am the source of life

Who created another inside of mine

Nine months of illness, surgery

Six months of hair loss, restless sleep

All worth it to watch her grow from nothing but

The power inside me

I am the one who went back to school

Who held her baby, staring at the screen

Noticing I had the highest grade in the class

While he ranted in front of us, throwing things, screaming

I am the one who left

Even though it felt like murder in my chest

My network helped me leave him in the middle of the night

While he was upstairs, fast asleep

I am the peace that followed

That first night on our own

She and I watched the thunderstorm in silence

Grateful for how tame it felt, compared to his cyclones

I am the one who got into the competitive nursing school

When people were saying it was too late for me

I’m the one who held hands of men who were dying

I’m the one who held their children when they were gone

I’m the one who got kicked out of nursing school.

We all knew it would be someone

But none of us thought it would be us

And especially not me.

I was the class president.

I had the highest grade in med/surg

I worked so hard to get there…

I had just been diagnosed with MDD and GAD

They said it was unrelated,

That it was because I turned a paper in

Three hours late.

Who would have thought that nurses

Would illegally discriminate?

I am the one who fought back

Who got re-instated, but then left anyway

It broke my heart to fight for a home where I wasn’t wanted

Again

I am the one who went back to work

Fixing computers, waiting tables, working the register

Whatever I had to do to get by

Even some things that I barely survived

I am the one who broke down

Job after job, loss after loss

Life getting darker every single day

That’s where the wolf found me

Desperate for salvation

So he promised me salvation

Then sacrificed me

Ended up

In the emergency room

With PTSD

The whole world just went black

I was the crushed little victim girl

Surrounded by the mother hens clucking,

It’s going to be alright

Labeling me a “survivor”

As if that made it a good thing

Labeling me a “warrior”

As if that made it all okay

Calling me “brave”

As if I’m the one who chose this fate

“Resilient” every nerve in my body is on fire

“Strong” I wake up wishing I didn’t

“Inspiring” as if you want this for yourself

“Powerful” when the world has pity in her eyes

All these pretty labels

Were ugly little lies

Why was I expected to feel warm

Under those gas lights?

Yet, I am brave

Because I chose to walk through the lies

I am the warrior

Who stayed alive through those dark nights

I am not the flashbacks

I am my own nurse

I take the best care of myself

Because I’m the only one who can

I am not the dissociation

I am the gentle voice who calls me back

I am the powerful one

Who holds her mind in her body

When it’s bursting through the seams

I am the healer

All those years I spent

Wanting to care for everyone else

I now give to myself

I am the one

Going back to school

Again

This is my story

A mini autobiography

I’m broken, repaired, and still growing

My name isn’t Sylvia

It’s Kintsugi

photo credit Simon Lee, Unsplash

Written for Reena’s Xploration Challenge #244

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