Let’s try approaching it from a different angle.
I remember love, before love turned my real life story into something that is indecent to write down.
Once upon a time, love murdered me. He grabbed me from my vibrant life, and ripped me apart at the seams. Once I was split, he tried to re-purpose me into a drug, selling me for a profit, promising that I would deliver a good high.
I still remember what love felt like, though, I think. Even if it does feel like a dream from a previous life time– I remember being cared for, and considered, and consoled. They never lasted long, but I had a few love songs.
When the rescuers pulled me from his fires, stabilized me, and gave me the terrible news that I would still be expected to live, and breathe, and exist, I swore that I would never love again.
But then, I met a woman who’d traveled my same route. She’d been entirely deconstructed by love, as I had, but was dancing again, anyway.
In her prior life, someone had murdered her, too, and it almost killed her. But then a love nurse found her, and tended to her wounds. He poured reassurance into her scars, and before she knew it, she was blooming again.
Now it feels silly, but I thought I’d find a nurse like that, too. Instead, I found you.
Is it your fault that I expected you to be an angel, and you turned out to be the opposite? Or is it my fault for thinking that I could have been an angel to you, too?
But you came along, and threw salt in my wounds, and when I screamed that it burned, you criticized me for screaming. When I thought you would save me….
I turned to you with eager eyes, foolishly believing you would bring me the raft that I needed to get to safety. You floated it out to me, and then sliced it open, and threw it into the ocean, right in front of me. My muscles started losing strength, and I cried that I would drown again.
You sabotaged every chance we had, and then told me I never deserved the raft. You just watched, and said, “Drown if you want. I never said I would save you.”
Left me floundering while you crawled onto a brand new boat. “She’s not damaged like you,” you said, and sailed away.
Now I’m alone again, drowning in your wounds, too.