Hurt Others

“Are you actively planning to hurt yourself or others?” She asks. The question itself has become a trigger, and I tell her so. As soon as I hear that question (being asked sincerely), I can’t breathe. My stomach just….stops, and starts to reverse. The muscles in my middle abdomen tighten. I feel pressure in my…

Culture, Displaced

At home I would heat up almond milk In my new red sauce pan (Made by the same company as The cookware we use in fine dining) Whisk in boiling water, honey, Cardamom, cinnamon, sometimes chili Pour it all over Chai in the morning Or whisk ground and melted chocolate In at night, sometimes it…

Home

When my friend lost her children, she told me, “Most of the time, I feel nothing, but then sometimes, I’m just overwhelmed by the deepest sadness.” I feel the same way (but with presumably less pain) about going homeless. Most of the time, I don’t feel it. But when I feel it? I could not…

Back on Meds

(So many paragraphs redacted) Well I’m going to the gym again. I put new tires, hubcaps, and glass on this car. I put the hubcaps on myself. I bought myself some backpacking gear. And my road bike should be restored today or tomorrow. I haven’t been writing much because I’ve been focused on feeling better…

March

Healing smells like eucalyptus leaves Fallen over the trail like a Flowering pink canopy And it feels like the ocean breeze Slamming full force into me At the top of Mount Tamalpais Healing feels like the pull in my thighs After my twenty mile hike Along the East Bay Skyline Shredded Eucalyptus bark adorns The…

OD at the Shelter

Someone screams, and I look up I can tell everyone is upset But I assume they’re upset with me Over a fight I got into this morning Which is why I’m wearing my Noise canceling headphones And can’t hear the details. Someone leaves the bathroom screaming And I think she’s being pretty dramatic Over a…

Are you there, God?

This relationship with God called “Life” has been abusive and quite frankly I want to leave it just like I’ve left All my other abusive relationships This morning the shelter case worker Said he needs to see me tomorrow And I cried my eyes out, overwhelmed With flashbacks of getting kicked out Fired, dumped, kicked…

Snap Crackle Pop

Honestly, I wanted to break in to his house Smash all of his electronics Steal all of his weed And just generally vandalize The fuck out of everything When I found out he was cheating But I kept those thoughts to myself (mostly) And bragged about how cool I was How “I just needed to…

Coquetta

“Hey, mamacita, do you wanna make some money?” Asks Coquetta (obviously not her real name). “Oh, no, I don’t think so,” I say. “Giving me a ride to Sam’s Club. Come on.” “She’s always doing coke,” I tell my little sister over the phone, “And she describes herself as ‘abusive.’ I think she thinks she’s…

Grief

The grief is so much heavier Than I expected So much to let go of And to mostly Never see again I tell myself so many stories To cope, I tell myself, I love being back in the hood I feel more like myself here I let my hair down I love reading street signs…