Hurt Others

“Are you actively planning to hurt yourself or others?” She asks. The question itself has become a trigger, and I tell her so. As soon as I hear that question (being asked sincerely), I can’t breathe. My stomach just….stops, and starts to reverse. The muscles in my middle abdomen tighten. I feel pressure in my…

Congregation

If you don’t know how strong the human Instinct to congregate is before you get PTSD then you will surely learn once The disease hits and you need to be Alone Suddenly it seems like everyone in the World is constantly attacking me just by Not understanding how badly I need Space The waterfall is…

Moonsomnia

Blame it on the moon Or the mental health Or the anniversary of My brother’s death, either way I can barely steer this brain and I’ve done some dumb impulsive things I’m not worried about the spillage– I’ve spilled before, at least This is only a small blog I haven’t built enough here to lose…

Shower

My first night backpacking alone, I felt safe. There was no rhyme or reason to it– I have PTSD– I never feel safe. But this night I just knew I’d be okay. Worrisome thoughts came along but I shooed them away. Even though I’d never set up a tent Hadn’t even opened my new tent…

Joshua Steven

Kelly said I wouldn’t even know How badly the environment was Hurting me till I left And she was so right. Standing in the middle of Bootjack Campground, alone I offered a snack to a crow And when he didn’t immediately take it I burst into tears, thinking, I’m so awful, I’m such a terrible…

Virgo

F my hairstylist All she did was Wrap my hair into 50 foils full of bleach Mix up more and more and more bleach Paint it all over my roots Wash it all out and Do it all again For six hours straight I expected her to Cure my depression but all she did Was…

Felt Ugly Might Delete

How dare I be so mean to me Don’t I know who I am? I’m the only one out of 5 kids To graduate high school Or go to college Or graduate college I got 4s and 5s on my APs I got 3s on all my ATIs I’ve got awards and trophies and Medals…

Home

When my friend lost her children, she told me, “Most of the time, I feel nothing, but then sometimes, I’m just overwhelmed by the deepest sadness.” I feel the same way (but with presumably less pain) about going homeless. Most of the time, I don’t feel it. But when I feel it? I could not…

Back on Meds

(So many paragraphs redacted) Well I’m going to the gym again. I put new tires, hubcaps, and glass on this car. I put the hubcaps on myself. I bought myself some backpacking gear. And my road bike should be restored today or tomorrow. I haven’t been writing much because I’ve been focused on feeling better…

Are you there, God?

This relationship with God called “Life” has been abusive and quite frankly I want to leave it just like I’ve left All my other abusive relationships This morning the shelter case worker Said he needs to see me tomorrow And I cried my eyes out, overwhelmed With flashbacks of getting kicked out Fired, dumped, kicked…