Felt Ugly Might Delete

How dare I be so mean to me

Don’t I know who I am?

I’m the only one out of 5 kids

To graduate high school

Or go to college

Or graduate college

I got 4s and 5s on my APs

I got 3s on all my ATIs

I’ve got awards and trophies and

Medals and scholarships and shit

(But no matter how much I exercise

I can never look how I want

It would cost $10,000 or more

To make my stomach flat again

And I can’t stop thinking about how

He told everyone it wasn’t

His fault he played me I was

SO FAT,

And obviously anyone can empathize

With throwing a fat woman out

For a smaller one;

Everyone understands that

Obviously)

When I was in middle school they

Put my name on that board

For doing the most sit-ups

In 60 seconds

It stayed there for years

The men at church would

Stand round me and say

“She’s a real looker, any man would be

Lucky to catch a girl like her”

(But why do I keep thinking about

That time my daughter’s father told me

It wasn’t his fault I was SO FAT

When I was 8 months pregnant

Why would he be attracted to me?

‘No one would be’

And how he warned all his friends

Not to look during childbirth or they’d

‘Never be attracted to that girl again’

I thought I was over all of that,

Why do I keep ruminating

On how unfair it feels

That his fat ass

Married a flat, barren stomach?)

And my brain, and my brain is being

So mean

Repeating all the worst things

Stop it, brain

I took the pill

I went to the gym

I ate the salad

I hiked the hike

I painted

I made myself up

I colored my hair

Why do I still kind of want to die?

What do you want from me, brain?

I can’t make you look 19 again

And I can’t change the past

Sorry